Is it taboo or wrong to openly speak about lust or sexual desire?

Sexual desire is a part of being human. We may not always be comfortable talking about it but pretending it doesn’t exist doesn’t make it disappear.

I chose this topic because of something I have observed repeatedly throughout my life.

Almost every woman, at some point in her life, experiences being approached by a man whose intentions are not what they initially appear to be. Sometimes it begins as a casual conversation, a friendly message, or an innocent interaction. Gradually, the conversation shifts toward flirtation or sexual interest.

This has become so common that many women simply learn to deal with it. If they are interested, they may continue the conversation. If they are not, they ignore it, block the person, or politely distance themselves. This is one kind of situation. It is familiar to many women, and most of us have accepted it as an unfortunate part of living in the digital age.

When where there is discussion about not to get married, many women offered me advice. Some spoke from experience and others from concern.

One advice disturbed me a lot.

They said, “If you remain single (unmarried or Divorced), many married men may approach you in the future. They may assume you’re lonely or vulnerable and try to take advantage of that. If you’re married, many of them won’t even think of approaching you.”

Why? Is being Unmarried or Divorced is open invitation?

As I grew older, I started to experience that piece of advice I had received and realized that people look at your single status differently. There can be an assumption that because you are alone, you must be vulnerable. Because you don’t have a partner, you must be looking for someone. Because you are accessible through social media, you must be approachable in a sexual way.

Advice I got was some married men will approach but What if I say that the reality is something else. It really feels painful to see someone who know for years, and you think you have friendship, but they may have been quietly looking at the friendship through a completely different lens.

When random person approach, you just block them but when someone you know for years, someone is your friend, someone who spoke to you normally and then at some point the conversation changes. Normal conversation changes to personal and that personal conversation changes to flirtatious to sexual.

Another sad reality is social media has made this even easier.

We have people from different stages of our lives sitting in our friend lists. People we haven’t spoken to in years. People we once studied with, worked with, travelled with or simply knew through mutual friends. When loneliness hits them they look through the list and may think.

“She is single and maybe lonely too.”

And suddenly, someone who was once simply a friend becomes an opportunity in their mind.

That is the part that has always disturbed me. Because being single doesn’t mean being sexually available. Being lonely doesn’t mean being desperate. Being friendly doesn’t mean giving permission. And knowing someone for many years doesn’t automatically give anyone the right to change the nature of that relationship.

People who approach someone with that mentality often don’t understand how deeply it affects the other person. It takes a long time to process what has just happened. Before you can even respond, countless questions start racing through your mind.

I found myself in that situation a couple of times. The first time something like this happened, it came from a so-called friend of mine. I was completely shocked. I remained silent, and because I was silent, he continued talking. But I was still stuck on the very first question he had asked me.

I was not prepared for what he had said. Yes, people had warned me that such situations could happen. But until you experience it yourself, you never truly understand what it feels like. At the end of the conversation, he simply said, “Think about it and let me know.”

He probably assumed that because I was silent, I was considering it.

No, bro.

I wasn’t considering it. I was in shock.

Do you know what happened afterwards?

Being an overthinker, my mind didn’t stop at “Why did he ask me that?” It kept going. I started blaming myself. I wondered if I had behaved in a way that made him think it was okay to ask me such a question. Maybe I was too friendly. Maybe I had unknowingly given the wrong impression. Maybe I had done something wrong.

Unfortunately, my very first response was not to question his behaviour. It was to question my own. Later when it repeated again and again, I started to narrow down my boundary from friendly extrovert woman to introvert woman. Ignoring normal conversations with the people with whom I am not speaking regularly.

This incident made me to think about Why does loneliness sometimes make people seek sexual attention?

Of course, not everyone who sends message looking for something sexual and not every man has hidden intention. When something similar situation gets repeated, naturally you wonder why it’s happening.

That “Why” made to explore on the subject.

What is Lust? Why it’s so powerful?

Obviously, everyone knows what Lust is.

Lust, attraction and sexual desire are deeply connected to human nature. They are not inventions of modern society. They are part of the biological instincts that have existed throughout the evolution of life. Every living species has some form of reproductive drive. It is one of the reasons life continues from one generation to another.

Humans are no different. Attraction creates desire. Desire can lead to intimacy. Intimacy can lead to reproduction. And reproduction allows one generation to continue into another. So, if sexual desire is connected to something as fundamental as the continuation of life.

How to defeat Lust?

As Lust is connected to human nature it’s not necessary to defeat Lust, instead we should understand Lust.

Lust is natural but losing control is different. Feeling attracted to someone is completely natural. The problem starts when that desire controls your thoughts, decisions, and actions. You can find someone attractive without trying to pursue them. You can have a sexual thought without acting on it or expecting someone else to satisfy it. Real self-control is not about stopping yourself from feeling desire, it is about choosing how you respond to it. When you understand your feelings instead of letting them control you, you become stronger than your impulses.

Whenever someone started talking to me, the conversation often began with the same questions:

“Don’t you feel lonely?”
“I feel so lonely.”
“How have you overcome your loneliness?”
“I feel like I need someone.”

As I heard these conversations repeatedly, I began to understand something. When people feel lonely, they naturally look for connection.

Social media has changed the way we experience desire. In the past, approaching someone required effort. Today, it is as easy as sending a simple “Hi” to a random person’s inbox. They don’t have to face the other person, they don’t have to deal with immediate rejection, and some people send messages to hundreds of women, hoping that if even one replies, they consider it a success.

At the same time, social media can be beautiful. Old friends reconnect, people find love, and communities are built.

Lust is really not the problem. The real problem is the impulse to immediately look for someone else to satisfy our emotional or physical needs, instead of first understanding what we are truly seeking.

We have to look Lust differently. Instead of seeing it only as a physical desire, we can look at it as a form of intense human energy.

When you strongly desire something or someone, your mind becomes very active. You keep thinking about that person. You imagine different situations. You feel excited, restless, and emotionally charged. That is energy.

As Lust is also energy itself. It is neither good nor bad. It depends on how we use it.

Think about a river. If it floods, it can destroy everything in its path. But the same river can produce electricity when it is directed properly. Lust is similar. You don’t always have to fight it or suppress it. You can learn to direct that energy toward something meaningful

Another main source which feed Lust is being idle. Imagine lying in bed for hours, scrolling through social media. One photo after another. One reel after another. One attractive person after another. Your brain keeps getting constant stimulation. When you are bored and have unlimited access to people online, it becomes easy to look for excitement.

Some people randomly message others just because they are bored or lonely. A simple “Hi” becomes a long conversation. The conversation becomes flirtatious. Then it turns sexual. After some time, the excitement fades, so they look for someone else. This cycle keeps repeating.

Sometimes it is not because they truly want a relationship. They are simply chasing the next moment of excitement.

Instead of suppressing desire, try redirecting it. Write, exercise, learn a new skill, travel, create art, build a business or spend time in nature. The same energy that keeps your mind occupied with someone can also help you create something valuable.

Feeling attracted to someone is natural. The goal is not to stop feeling desire but to stop letting it control your actions. There is a big difference between “I feel desire” and “My desire controls me.”

Ask yourself what you are really looking for: love, attention, validation, connection, or simply an escape from loneliness. Once you understand the real need, you can choose to channel that energy into something that helps you grow instead of letting it control you.

With Love

Nethravathi Venkatappa